Thursday, April 22, 2010
saw him today...almost died
he's got 7th period lunch. i have 8th. he's not necessarily the type of guy im into, but im into him. i've fallen hard. we can't communicate that well for the mere fact that he speaks spanish as a first language and i speak it as a third language...nervous as a first language. but as long as he speaks english...we'll be fine. i was on a hunt for him today. i deeply needed to hear him speak to me; or to anyone, anyway. his voice alone sets me off. thats how obsessed i am. im not really obsessed, i just appreciate him so much. How far he's come and how kind he is. sweetheart. but heres the problem. he knows nothing about me. my name yea, but so far...NOTHIN. i usually see him before my 7th period class. today. that didnt happen. he went to lunch and i was stuck there with my friend looking all over the school for him. found him in the lunch room. YES! VICTORY. little did i know that soon...i would be way too overwhelmed with fear and start hyperventilating. what a loser i am?! i feel dumb and stupid and ughhhh!!! why does he have to be so cute and sweet and kind and funny. with that cute spanish chuckle. jeje =] but still. i couldnt breathe, literally. my friend tried to get me to talk to him but that didnt work. i felt lifeless; dead. tired of being scared of how much girls were around him. but still i didnt budge. so i marched out of the lunchroom. about to cry. went to class. cried in class. sat in the back when i usually sit in the front. so what now you ask? i give up. because if i hurt like this when we aren't even together or close to it, why try? i know its gonna be twice as hard to stay stable when we are together. if that ever happens anyway. -_- so yea, i wasted my time. partially skipped class and saw him today. then, i pretty much cried my eyes out in class and caused a distraction. i saw him today and almost died -_- im a loser.